So.

It's been awhile.
I've lost 95 pounds since January but who's counting.
None of my clothes fit and I'm going to have a to spend a bundle.
I've been dealing with my cancer and working though it.
I don't always have the strength to do anything but sleep.
I might not make it back here for awhile, but know I'm still kicking.

trying to stay on my feet

I've totally given up on the gym right now. Just trying to stay on my feet is
becoming a problem. I passed out in the freezer section of Shaw's the last
weekend with 3 bags of Hoodsie cups hanging from my hands.
The dizziness is getting pretty bad lately.
Just now I'm tending to a wounded knee and hands.
I was getting the iPod out of the car to make sure it had juice for my
work out tomorrow, ya I can't see that happening now.
I fell on the brickwork on my front stoop.
My hands are smashed up, my knee looks like meat hit with a
grinder.
Life is great.

forced into wearing the mask

So I caught something and it's kicking my ass. My counts are all over the
place and I'm going for a 10 week steriod round. Luckly these shouldn't
put on anymore weight or make my 27 pound loss disappear as fast as it's
come off. I'm down 2 pants size and 1 top size. My face isn't as fat and
I'm losing the prednizone cheeks and chin. I can finally see cheek bones.
I can't wait to see my collarbone more defined. I have something about
collarbones. My white blood cell count was down so I'm fighting an
infection and they've also put me on some serious antibotics.
Thursday I was super sick and lost my voice all day. I slept the
day away in between calls from work. My body is killing me.
I can feel my abs which meant I totally strained something getting
sick so many times. I didn't work out on Wednesday and I'm going
to rest for the rest of the weekend and just relax. I have laundry thats
piling up and if only 1 King size quilt costs 14 dollars to launder I don't
think I'll be sending any of it out.

slipping

I've been taking the stairs when I can. I park far away, not just because of
my hit and run fear but also because I'm walking.
I'm dreaming of spring golf. I can't wait for the green grass and outside.
I did 20 minutes of weights today. I was drag ass and no amount of
music could pull me out of the slump.
I have a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes, probably a virus?
We'll see. I'm on an immuno so hopefully I've been careful enough
and I haven't caught anything. We'll see...

Good day

I did 30 minutes of hard cardio today. I did 20 minutes with weights.
I had a very good workout mix and timed every song just right if
I don't say so myself. I woke up at 4 and was out the door by 5.
I didn't finish working until 6 and was stuck in almost 2 hour
traffic on the way home and I was wiped but ended up playing
Rock Band for awhile and had a great time doing it.
All in all I felt good today, my blood cells are reacting well to the
medicine they put me on. My iron is finally up.

slacking

I've been remiss in my workout. Anemia kind of shut me down, mind, body & soul.
I had my monthly weigh in and I'm down 20 pounds. I'm sure the fact that I'm not on
any steroids helps the weight loss. Cancer can layer you in shame. Shame. Shame.
I'm trying not to be afraid anymore and just push myself. This week I think I pushed
too hard. I missed the whole week to sleep in and hit the snooze.
I haven't been hungry at all. I can't stomach the look of food. I'm been forcefeeding
myself which sucks because food is wonderful, food is the best thing in the world.
Works been kicking my ass too. 4 am and I'm looking at the clock right now and it's
10:00 pm and all I've done is the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen, played rock band and
totally kicked ass on Metallica I had alot of fun.

Tomorrow I'm going to get in atleast 20 minutes of cardio and 20 eliptical. I have a
really good mix for the iPod so I'm getting everything ready so I can run out the door
I hope for no more snow, but we all know that's not going to happen.
Atleast I'll always have a job ;)

This week was pretty crazy. I only did cardio Monday & Wednesday and since I wasn't diving 100 miles to go to the gym on my day off I've been lazing around since Friday morning.
Monday was crazy hard to get the motivation to work out. I was extra tired and sleepwalked my way through 30 minutes of a really soft work out. I ended up listening to the news, holding my hands under the machine and walked with my eyes closed. It was pretty pathetic, but I do
give myself the blus ribbon for getting up and out by 5 am. I got gas and then drove in some pretty hectic traffic. Excuses, excuses.
Monday I will be well rested, the house will be clean and hopefully I won't bake anything.
I've competely gone without buying any snacks in two weeks.
I'm trying to cut out red meat, but of course once you're back on the wagon for so many years,
it's hard to cut it out the menu.
I'm going to try to plan meals ahead, instead of on the ride home. Once I get home
the bed looks so lovely I don't want to eat. I should think this is a good thing, but we'll
see. I kinda pigged out this weekend. I had two fried eggs and butter and nutty toast,
2 bowls of cereal and a bowl of sauce and hamburger. At least I didn't have any pasta this weekend.
Hopefully next week will be a little more fruitful.

mattress workout

Today is Saturday, well, maybe it's Sunday now.
I spent most of the day in bed because I didn't have to wake up at the
ungodly 4a.m. to go to work.
I got up around 8 and made a beef stew for the crock pot.
I cleaned the kitchen, swept, vaccumed the floor and washed it.
I finished the 2 loads of laundry. Changed the sheets and picked up the
living room. I still have alot of work to do but Idecided the bed looked too
good and lounged around until about 5.
I ate the beef stew with 2 pieces of bread...mmmm... carbs... it's been so long!
I cheated alot today, I think I had 3 sodas, I was just too lazy to get up and
get the water out of the trunk of the car :)
Tomorrow is ironing my work clothes day and vaccuming the living room day.
Other than that it might become another lounge around day, who knows :)
I'll have to be up at 4am on Monday so I'm living it up right now.

skipping a day

I didn't work out on Wednesday. I figured this first week of I would do
one day on and one day off just to not get too overwhelmed.
Thursday I did 50 minutes of cardio pulse rate 125.
I increased the speed on the machine by 2 and elevator to 7%.
My calorie intake for the day was 900.
I drank alot of water! I feel like a fish :)
By the time I got home after my hour long drive home I was pooped.
I think I went to bed by 7 and was up again at 4 to start the day over.
I'm taking Friday as another off day and actually I think I'll take a 1/2
day at work so I won't have to sit in 3 hour traffic to get home.

Cardio

This is the start of my workout/healthy lifestyle change.
Today was my first day at the gym.
I did 40 minutes of cardio and got my pulse rate up to 125.
I had 1000 calories and about 400 of those were 2 sodas I drank.
Nighttime is harder for me than day time, at work I'm so busy I
can forget to eat but supper is big here wheither it be at home
or at my parents house. My new goal is to stop all snacking/eating
after 7p.m. on week nights and after 9p.m. on weekends.

My Goal

Since the first of the year my whole life has changed in an instant. 2007 was a hard year. I went through trials, tragedy, and triumph. I've been in remission since August 10th and celebrated the death of my best friend and older cousin in a motorcycle accident. Two peas in a pod became one and I miss him everyday. Over the last 7 years I've let my body go. I'm had surgeries and been on steroids, chemo, experimental cocktails, immunos. I've had 5 spinals in the last year alone. The last thing I was thinking about was my body in anyway other than it held a disease I had to fight tooth and nail. There's this myth that people who have cancer become rail thin and waste away. It does happen in the later stages, different medicines, different cocktails and genetics. I've had bone marrow aspirated and can't count the amount of PET, CT, & MRI I've had in 2007 there too many to count. I've gained 100 pounds of fluid, water, and fat. I've t the outside reflect the pain and devastation my heart has had since first diagnosis.

2008 is a new year for me. I finally have hope that I'm fighting the good fight. I have good pain management and a great team of nurses and doctors. Already my job of 7 years moved my office from Tewksbury to Quincy which is a good 80 so miles from my home. You'd think I'd be crazy about the commute through Boston but I'm not regretting it yet.

This is my new year. The real me. I'm taking what I've learned about perseverance against disease and I'm going to use it to make the outside look the way I feel inside. I just have to remember to not give up on myself so I can turn this Buddha into what it should be.

Wish me luck.